Parenting when you're a Pervert (originally from FL)

-
Daughter:  "Daddy, I wanna go to the steak place with the clams."
Cassie:   "I didn't know you liked clams, girlie?
Kenova:   "I guess you could say she digs clams.   She's a 'clam-digger'. "
Cassie:   *smacks Kenova*
Cassie:   "I'm glad you like clams, girlie.  Seafood is good for you."
Kenova:  "...yes.   Yes it is.   Just ask your Mommy.   She knows alllll about clams."  
Cassie:   *smacks Kenova*


At Outback, eating clam chowder:
Daughter:   "Daddy, where do they get the clams?"
Kenova:  "In wet places.   Clams need to be kept wet."
Daughter:  "Then how do you dig for them?"
Kenova:   "..."
Cassie:   *smacks Kenova*


Cassie:  *clips the baby-leash...er...'tethered bookbag' to our toddler*
Daughter:  "Mommy, I wanna hold John's collar!"
Cassie:   *wince*  "Uhm...do you mean his leash, honey?"
Daughter:  "That too!  'cause he's gonna be my little pet boy!"
Kenova:   "Phrasing.   Boom."  
Cassie:   *Smacks poor Kenova*
Cassie:  "Let's not today, honey...maybe tomorrow."  


Daughter:  "Mom, can I go out with Sophia?  Or Sophie B?"
Kenova:   "...when you're sixteen."
Cassie:   *smacks poor, abused Kenova*
Cassie:   "I'll call Sophia and Sophie's moms, girlie."  


At Reading Terminal Market:
Daughter:  "Mommy, look at the size of that bologna!"
Kenova: *whispers*  "...she's already seen it this morning."
Cassie:   *smacks Kenova*  
Cassie:   "That's nice, girlie."  




Ten thousand times a day...it takes superhuman parenting skills not to crack these jokes, people.   Seriously.  I keep it down to one out of ten, and just whisper the rest to myself and pray Cassie can't hear.    

The joy of a very literal child, that most of what you say goes over their head if you deadpan it.  Someday she's going to be old enough to catch some of the things I say.

And then, my friends...

I'm pretty sure I'll be going to hell.


Comments

Post a Comment

Thank you for your comment! It will be moderated and, if not SPAM, will be posted within the next 12 hours (sooner if possible - sorry, I do work a vanilla job). Yes, that includes disagreeing ones - I welcome disagreements as much as anything.

Popular posts from this blog

10 Things a Dominant Needs from a Submissive

-
The best way I’ve heard submission described was at M/s conference in 08. Submission is not following your Master. It is preceding him, clearing the path, and reporting back to him on any pitfalls or problems you see ahead. It is trusting him, to guide and navigate, to keep you safe. The most common way I’ve heard Dominance described uses words that I wouldn’t use to describe a dog. Especially today – there are a LOT of anti-Dominant posts, and a lot of “Submissives Deserve XYZ” posts. But one thing I’ve almost never heard…what do Dominants deserve? Where is our "10" list? 1. Know your Responsibilities. Dominants have responsibilities. We hear a LOT about that in our community. We have the responsibility to be forgiving and understanding. We have the responsibility to be strong and independent. We have the responsibility to be wise and patient, and to be controlled and in control of ourselves and our partners. We have to
Read more

Positional Aphyxiation, vs. a Knee on the Neck - and why it makes a difference (and why you pencil necked twerps need to get it right...)

-
A knee across the neck will not (except for very rare circumstances, or circumstances involving deliberate impact, not simple pressure) cause death.  The death in Minneapolis was NOT caused by a knee on the neck.  It was caused by positional asphyxiation.  They are two different things.   They are two very technically different things, and the differences are fairly technical and specific.   But they are also fairly simple - and extremely important.  Because you can say you "accidentally" put a knee on the "wrong part" of the back, and it slipped onto the neck.  You can NOT say that you left a man, face down, chest muscles seized due to skeletal-muscular constriction/positioning, for seven and a half minutes..."accidentally".  One, a knee on the neck, can be claimed to be bad training, or an accident.  The other, positional asphyxiation, is murder.  Plain.   Simple.  Murder.  When you handcuff the hands behind the back of most people (save contortionists,
Read more