MALE MOTHERFUCKING APOLOGISTS - To the Male Benedict Arnolds of the Modern Age

Hello.   My name is Kenova.   I am male.  

I do a physically demanding job.  I watch naked women dance while drinking beer.   I build things with my hands.  I think a women on her knees is a beautiful, natural sight.   I stare when a girl runs past in yoga pants and a crop top.  I even do it around my girls, and my in-laws and family.   I’ve been known to slow down the car to watch a jogger bounce by who forgot her sports bra.   I overflow with testosterone, and workout on a heavy bag.  I have never owned a single Playboy magazine “for the articles”.  

I’m, you know, a man.  

And I don’t apologize for it.

The question is…why are you Benedict Arnolds apologizing for me? 

Why are you fucking apologizing for yourselves?   Has your opinion of yourself really sunk so low that you think you’re doing the right thing?    

Over the last few weeks I’ve read a good dozen posts and blogs, apologizing for what is essentially…manhood.    It’s part of a new trend.  It’s the new taste sensation that’s sweeping the nation.   Men are apologizing for and being shamed for being men.    They’re becoming the new Benedict Arnold(s). 

They’re blogging apologizing for sexualizing imagery of women.   They’re posting  videos, saying there’s something wrong with being rough and aggressive, and not considering someone’s feelings.   They go on the news discussing how “disgusting” pornographic images are.   They’re on Fetlife repenting for being horny at play parties, and ogling the naked ladies.   They’re forming “sharing circles”, shaming other men for being “meatheads” without “natural feelings”.   They’re congregating to do mother-loving NUDE YOGA together, and get in touch with their “balanced spirit”.  

I’ve even read one Op-Ed piece that apologized on behalf of all men everywhere, for not respecting women enough.

Seriously.

For Not Respecting Women Enough.   

Look, ladies who are reading this…I’m not a fucking sexist misogynist male bastard.   I’m just a fucking male bastard.   There’s a difference.    I realize that this isn’t the fifties.   I have no problems with showing respect to women, if they show respect in return.   I’m not a “women should know their place”, dyed-in-the-leathers redneck who wants all women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. 

I just want MY women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.   I expect MY women to know their place.  And that isn’t disrespectful of womankind, by the way.   That’s my personal preference.   I seem to recall an amendment giving me the right to express that and believe that.    And given that my woman happens to agree with my stated preferences…angry anti-masculinity types can bite me.     

And as for “not respectful of women enough” cries – my father once told me that if a man can’t respect himself, he can’t truly respect anyone else.   

So when Mr. Male Apologist is crawling all over himself to join the male bashing?  When he’s writing long sorrowful admissions of guilt over sexualized behavior, laughing at the stereotypically portrayed “stupid horny guy” on television, and performing acts of contrition for his masculinity?   

He’s not really respecting women either.   He’s self-flagellating.  He’s jumping on the fucking bandwagon.    And he’s selling out his fellow man while he does it.

That’s not a man to respect and adore.   That’s a fucking whore who already sold out his own gender, and his pride.  And you know the thing about someone who’s already sold himself once?   He’ll do it again.  

That’s not respectful behavior, ladies.    That’s a complete and utter lack of moral fiber – and a pretty serious case of shitty self-esteem. 

And by the way - this isn’t about Dominant Men vs. submissive men, by the by.   I’ve known Dominant types who winced guiltily when I made a “two cunts walks into a bar” joke.   And I’ve known submissive men who took a rough ass-fucking with more masculinity than a pro football player taking a tackle.   The old saying goes “Lead, follow, or get out of the way”.    Dominants lead, submissive follow...nothing wrong with that.  But Male Apologists?   They should get the fuck out of the way.   

So, back to the fellas?   The “I’m ashamed I have a penis” types? 

 - Fuck You Mr. “Women-Aren’t-Respected-Enough”.  

No one is respected enough.   Men, or women.   (Or children, kinksters, the elderly, ANY of the races, or cops, firefighters and teachers.)   Respect a person, not their gender.   And if you have to feel respected by bashing the other gender(or your own!) as a whole?   You aren’t showing or receiving respect – you’re giving hate.   So yeah…fuck you to the modern American media, too.  

 - Fuck You, Mr. “Androgyny is the New Masculinity”.

It isn’t.   Androgyny is the new androgyny.  Masculinity is the new masculinity.   You want androgyny?   Cool.   Do it.   Be happy.   But stop trying to change the rest of us.   Five o’clock shadow, playing full contact sports, aggressiveness, testosterone – those are masculine things.   Mani-Pedi’s (I hate that fucking term…it’s a Manicure, and a Pedicure, and I’ll never be caught dead doing either), “spring colors”, “man purses” and “sharing circles”…are not masculine things.  

 - Fuck You, Mr. “I-Can-Be-Manly-And-Still-Embrace-My-Feminine-Side”. 

No, you can’t.   Feminine?   That’s feminine.   Not masculine.   See how that works, you great bloody twat?   Again, if you want to be Feminine/Androgynous/Queer?   Be it.   Good on ya’.   Be happy.  Stop trying to shame, change or “help” the rest of us.   And when I say feminine, I’m not talking about men taking it from a strap on, or romantic gay sex, or pony-tailed long hair, or any of the crap some idiots call “weak”.   The Spartans were into rough backdoor invasions.   So were the Greeks and Trojans.   Leather-men are (generally) gay, but they can be pretty romantic to their partners.   Pro Athletes often have long hair, and it winds up in a ponytail eventually.  And nobody is calling any of them “weak”.   

And while we’re at it?    Fuck You, Mr. Male Apologist. 

“But, but, it’s our job as men to make women feel more special!”

No.   Just…no.   It’s our job as men to be the best men we can be.   And to help our fellow man be the best man he can be.   Then it’s our job to be the best fathers we can be.   The best brothers we can be.   The best husbands we can be.   If you can’t focus on those things – you don’t deserve a someone special.   (Or oxygen, in my humble opinion.) 

“But, but, it’s bad to be angry, and sweaty, and unshaven!”

Anger?   There’s other words for that.   Passion.  Rage.  Ferocity.   You know, like the emotions that drive soldiers to free nations?   The feelings that empowered men to build Europe?   And as to being sweaty?   Unshaven?   Yeah.   So were most of the greatest men in history.   Get over it – sweat is the natural outcome of hard work.   And you don’t always have time to shave when you’re doing great works. 

“But, but, women don’t like men who are…sweaty, and hairy, and don’t have mani-pedi’s!”

….grow a pair of balls.   Then take your pretty little manicured hands and grab them.   Grab them hard.   And then?   Smack yourself with them.   Repeatedly.  This will help you grow a spine.   

Because if you have to change yourself for a relationship?   And if you have to spend hours grooming, going to nail salons, and constantly shaving and waxing to have a lover?    That isn’t a relationship.  It’s a sales gig, and you’re the product.   (That goes for women in relationships too – the relationship part, not the “grab your balls” part.   If a man can’t accept you without a beauty salon, he isn’t a man worth having.)

So, the next time you decide to write a nice long rant about how sad and pathetic and abusive masculinity is?  

Try to remember what it felt like to still be a man.   Try hard. 

Then nut up, and go perform your act of contrition to your wounded self.  Drink a beer first.  Then instead of apologizing on behalf of the rest of us – do something about fixing yourself.

And if that doesn’t work?

Then fuck off.