TRANS COMMUNITY: Kind of an apology, not quite a commentary, not quite a rant. (But feel free to do you, and be offended anyway).

So, my experience so far with the trans community, after writing a few pieces that roughly touched on gender, has generally been one of “die het cis whitie, die”.    (With a few and dear exceptions, Quinn and Michaela.) 

Granted, I write stuff that can be considered…cringe-y.   Inflammatory.   Blunt.  

Now if you’ve met me you know – I come off very gentle and polite in person.   (Okay, maybe a little intimidating – I’m six five and too big to be subtle and graceful - what do you want?  I raise my voice half an octave at events to make you people feel less intimidated - do you have any idea how sore my throat is by the end of the night?)  

Those nice manners come from being a southern gentleman (long live Virginia, and long may the Chickahominy river flow).   They come from being a law enforcement officer.   And they come from a recently found sense of peace.   

My writings on the other hand…this one?   This one is going to be a little tart.   And a little sappy.   And….well.   You’ll see. 

So. 

“Cis het scum,you need to fucking die!”.     “Hettie fucker”.    “White cis het cunt bitch”.   “Cissie fuck”.   “Privileged cis asshole”.    “Fascist het hate monger”.   And on, and on, and on…(although cleaned up for grammar and spelling.   Jesus…did any of you graduate grammar school?)  (Part 2:  Does anyone say that anymore, or am I just old?   Grammar school?   Primary school?  No?)

This is the kind of crap that I generally get in my mail box, to my face at events, through my blog and through messages on Fetlife.   Apparently I’m hated by some vocal types in the trans community.   I’m “regressionist”, and “transphobic”.    I’m a “white hettie dinosaur entrenched in privilege”.   I should “get cancer and die, scum cissie”.   I haven't risen to the level of an actual household hate name, but I might get there.   

Well, you know, when you send enough of this shit – yep, I’m gonna start taking it personally.  (Although honestly, the biggest insult is the “white” part – I’m red, jackasses.   Seriously.    I’m gonna post an image of myself next to a loaf of wonder bread for comparison and see if you get it.)

So yeah.   I got pissy about the trans community.   No excuses.  

It wasn’t until I met this person on Fetlife (Quinn) that I saw another side to the trans and queer community.   If you know her, she’s in Philly, and she’s just such a bundle of energy and open-ness about herself and her journey that you can’t help liking her.   Gimme a tattoo gun and I’ll tattoo “Queer Ambassador” on her forehead.  (If she’ll hold still long enough.   I’m pretty sure I can wrestle her down.)

And then I found out my favorite blogger on Youtube (Blaire White) was trans – and I had to accept that there was another side to the trans community – a side that didn’t start every conversation with “die, cissie”. 

So I’m going to be a man here and own up – I owe an apology to the trans community at large.   (The community, note, not certain individuals.)

 I had an image of you tainted by a lack of understanding, and by the drivel fired at me from my desktop.  An image that was unfair. 

Now fairness doesn’t generally exist outside of a dictionary.   But I try to live somewhere near its borders.   

If you’ve never seen the v-blogger Blaire White, try her Youtube channel.    I’ve watched it for a long time, being mostly seated in the right section of the USA airplane we’re all crashing in 

(with occasional visits on the left).  I found this girl’s channel randomly one day started watching her blogs.   The production values aren’t great – I’ve honestly considered donating some mid-grade videography lights to her at least once.   But she’s mindful, intelligent, a bit sarcastic, and…okay, I’ll admit it – she’s fucking hot.  (Hey, I’m a male het dinosaur, remember?) 

Then one video she started talking more in depth about herself and about the trans community, and did it from a position where I could see that the “die cis hettie” crap wasn’t everyone.    When she said straight out she was trans,(somehow I missed that before) -  I had a “moment”.   

Like when you reset a Nintendo – everything just froze for a sec and then went blank screen.   I mean look, I identify as straight (occasionally misogynist) hetero, but I mean Christ… this girl is seriously the hottest thing you’d ever want to spank.   Her being trans, pleasantly elocute, and intelligently moderate – even a little right leaning – I had to rethink a lot of things I had internalized about the trans community.   

(That didn’t come out right – the hotness wasn’t the “re-think” reason – it was the “reset” reason.  The intelligence and open-ness about her transition was the re-think reason.) 

So I spent a few days re-evaluating.   I had to rethink a lot of the assumptions I'd made about trans men and women that I didn't even realize I'd been harboring.   Rethinking the blind spots in my “live and let live” philosophy.   Reconsidering the “judge a book by its font” philosophy.   This woman, trans or not, was intelligent, entertaining, charming, and didn't fit a single one of the pigeon holes I'd built from the various hate emails I'd been receiving. 

I decided that I owed an apology.  

I did what I was so pissed at the community for, and painted you all with the brush of a single group.  I didn’t take the time to get involved in your lives and events and meet people in order to find the non-“die, white cis scum!” folks in your community.  

I'm still going to call it like I see it.    I'm still going to talk about gender - and some of you are still going to be pissed about it.   I'm still going to beat on male apologists, and speak openly about MRA issues, BDSM scene issues, and where they meet. 

But for my own thinking - for the pigeon holes I'd made instead of looking at individuals: 

I’m sorry.  

No excuses.