Parenting when you're a Pervert (originally from FL)

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Daughter:  "Daddy, I wanna go to the steak place with the clams."
Cassie:   "I didn't know you liked clams, girlie?
Kenova:   "I guess you could say she digs clams.   She's a 'clam-digger'. "
Cassie:   *smacks Kenova*
Cassie:   "I'm glad you like clams, girlie.  Seafood is good for you."
Kenova:  "...yes.   Yes it is.   Just ask your Mommy.   She knows alllll about clams."  
Cassie:   *smacks Kenova*


At Outback, eating clam chowder:
Daughter:   "Daddy, where do they get the clams?"
Kenova:  "In wet places.   Clams need to be kept wet."
Daughter:  "Then how do you dig for them?"
Kenova:   "..."
Cassie:   *smacks Kenova*


Cassie:  *clips the baby-leash...er...'tethered bookbag' to our toddler*
Daughter:  "Mommy, I wanna hold John's collar!"
Cassie:   *wince*  "Uhm...do you mean his leash, honey?"
Daughter:  "That too!  'cause he's gonna be my little pet boy!"
Kenova:   "Phrasing.   Boom."  
Cassie:   *Smacks poor Kenova*
Cassie:  "Let's not today, honey...maybe tomorrow."  


Daughter:  "Mom, can I go out with Sophia?  Or Sophie B?"
Kenova:   "...when you're sixteen."
Cassie:   *smacks poor, abused Kenova*
Cassie:   "I'll call Sophia and Sophie's moms, girlie."  


At Reading Terminal Market:
Daughter:  "Mommy, look at the size of that bologna!"
Kenova: *whispers*  "...she's already seen it this morning."
Cassie:   *smacks Kenova*  
Cassie:   "That's nice, girlie."  




Ten thousand times a day...it takes superhuman parenting skills not to crack these jokes, people.   Seriously.  I keep it down to one out of ten, and just whisper the rest to myself and pray Cassie can't hear.    

The joy of a very literal child, that most of what you say goes over their head if you deadpan it.  Someday she's going to be old enough to catch some of the things I say.

And then, my friends...

I'm pretty sure I'll be going to hell.


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