YKINMKBYK...ISNAK,IAP. AKA, Your Kink is Not My Kink, But Your Kink…is Still Not a Kink, It’s a Paraphilia.

Look.   This isn’t an attack on diaper wearing, monkey loving, rule 34-waving gym-sock-suckers.   All of that is cool.   No, really.   My cynical sarcastic phrasing aside, it’s cool.   Go ahead; let your freak flag (privately) fly.   Have your cake, and stick yourself into it too.   Lick the frosting off someone’s toes.   That’s awesome – you’re participating in the American ideal:   Freedom of expression, and self-exploration (pursuit of happiness) in a way which doesn’t hurt anyone. 

This rant?   This is about the whole “your kink is not my….but your kink is okay” deal.  The “you can’t judge them, because it’s their kink” thing.   That whole accepting, trusting, loving, “Rule 34, Therefore” mess.    “We can’t judge them, that’s their kink!”   “If you judge others, it hurts them!”    “If you don’t accept my kink, you’re hate-filled!”  

I keep hearing this noise from my generation, and it’s making me nauseous.   And the absolute and utter abortion that comes along behind it is terrifying.   You know, what we cynics like to call absolute moral relativism.   Which, if you read your history, inevitably leads to bad, bad things?  

Stop it.   Please.

Your Kink may be okay.   Maybe it isn’t.   But that needs to be a case-by-case basis, not an open invitation.   And there is a difference between your Kink, and your Behavior.  

Yes, there will be people who will always find something else new to kink out.   There will always be those who push the boundaries, and then demand acceptance.   And there will always be those who say “who are you to judge me?”

I.e.: 

“My kink is public humiliation, so I wear my dog collar at the diner.   Who does it hurt?  Who are you to judge?”

“My kink is Daddy/girl, so I wear baby-doll clothes and call my Daddy “Daddy” in public.   Why do you care?”

“My kink is voyeurism…so I look in windows a little, what’s wrong with that?”

 “My kink is uniforms, so sometimes I wear one in public…who are you to bitch?” 

 “My kink is frotteurism, so I ride the subway a lot – where do you get off saying I can’t?”

 “My kink is consensual non-consent, so I have some rape porn on my computer, what’s that to you?”  

Stop encouraging this.  Please.   This isn’t kinkiness.   This is Bad Behavior, and in at least two cases, it’s actually a warning sign of a harmful paraphilia.  

There is a line in the sand somewhere.   A line that says, “Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further”.   There has to be a line.   A limit to what we, as a lifestyle, and as intelligent people, will accept from other human beings before we say “TMI”, or “that’s immoral or illegal”, and “what’s in your bedroom should stay there”.  

When you make blanket statements like “Your Kink is Okay”, you are inviting in the kind of people who you REALLY don’t want under that umbrella.    And you are giving open permission to people who really could benefit from a bit of therapy.   We need to differentiate between “Your Kink is Okay”, and “Your Behavior is NOT Okay”.    And while we’re at it, let’s also add in “Your Kink May Require Mental Health Treatment.”

Why, you ask, must there be a line in the sand?   Why must we limit what is “acceptable” and what isn’t?   Why must we toss aside Carl Rogers’ favored precept in favor of icky-yucky judgmental-ness?

First.  There are legitimate paraphilias that are being “accepted” under the umbrella of YKIOK.   There is a very real difference between what we consider fun and kinky, and what professionals consider a self-harming or societally harmful paraphilia.    Every time a person plays, they are desensitizing themselves a little more – and will require just a little more evolution of their play, in the future.   Think of some of the edgier plays – and cross that with the lack of maturity rampant in our lifestyle and the number of unbalanced kinksters.   Tell me you don’t see even MORE horrible news stories coming down the pike.     

Second.   Anything you do in public reflects on me as another kinky person.   You wear the Daddy’s girl outfit outside?   Not only might my CHILD see it, but other witnesses now have one more example of “weird” behavior to mark us all with.  You refer to your Mistress by title, or kiss her feet at the mall?  (I’ve seen it.)     You’re not “enjoying your kink”; you’re inflicting it on others.   I’ve seen people do the whole sex-in-public thing, and proudly zip it up when they were done.    And then wonder why I’d called the cops.   If you are going to do it in front of others – you’re putting your face on all of us.   Be sure you’re an ambassador to Kink that we would want representing us.  

“My kink is public humiliation, so I wear my dog collar at the diner.   Who does it hurt?  Who are you to judge?”

I’m a father, and what you proudly wear without repercussions, I have to explain to a confused child.   Taking away a child’s innocence isn’t empowerment, it’s ass-hattery. 

“My kink is Daddy/girl, so I wear baby-doll clothes and call my Daddy “Daddy” in public.   Why do you care?”

I’m a member of society – and now whenever someone hears that I’m a little kinky, they’re going to think that I’ll expose myself to their children like you just did. 

“My kink is voyeurism…so I look in windows a little, what’s wrong with that?”

I’m someone who has studied the evolution of a sexually violent predator – there is a reason that peeping is considered one of the first stages in an SVP’s evolution.   Watching someone have sex is what it is, but actual voyeurism is a paraphilia that can lead to some serious problems.    

“My kink is uniforms, so sometimes I wear one in public…who are you to bitch?” 

I’m someone who understands the purpose of a uniform – to set apart those who have earned the right to wear them, and to identify those men and women to victims who need help.   Wear it in your bedroom, or better yet, sign up and go earn one.   Then you can have your kink every day.

“My kink is frotteurism, so I ride the subway a lot – where do you get off saying I can’t?”

I’m someone whose mother, sister, daughter, partner, and friends all ride the subway.   When you kink out at someone else’s expense, it’s called violating consent.  You know, sexual assault?

“My kink is consensual non-consent, so I have some rape porn on my computer, what’s that to you?”  

I’m someone who has to supervise and arrest the guys who started off just like this:   A little naughty, a little dirty, with some violent porn on their basement computer.   There is a reason why collecting violent porn is one of the watch signs for a future sexually violent predator. 

So.

You can tolerant of other people’s kinks.   You should be, ideally.   Understanding and tolerance are wonderful things.   But believe it or not, understanding and tolerance are not acceptance.   Tolerance requires that you first make a judgment call, before flinging your arms wide open and saying “party on”.   Understanding requires thinking through the aspects of something – like, for instance, “is peeping on other people really a kink, or is it the first step to stalking?”    Or “is wearing a ‘Whip Me’ t-shirt in public funny kinky fun, or is it potentially harmful to children and our scene’s public image”? 

So.   In conclusion.   Please stop this blanket permission, open-air-statement, everybody-is-okay-with-themselves, “Your Kink is Not My Kink, But Your Kink is Okay”, kumbaya around the leather blanket, horse shit.  

Thank you.  

Good night.