Vetting vs. Creeping - AKA The Difference between Safety and Stalking.

Lots of questions, intelligent ones, about my previous pieces on vetting, “How Does Vetting Work, AKA How Cyber-Stalking Saved Your Life”.    And please, for the love of Pete, keep asking the questions.   I love intelligent questions, even if they disagree with my stance.   It shows there are people out there thinking, and considering and growing, versus just flaming.    (I get flames too, and I’m not nearly as delicious as a Whopper!)  

So.   There is actually a substantial difference between creeping (i.e., cyber stalking) and vetting.   It’s a difference of subtext, semantics, and small change.   But it’s still a difference.    There is also a difference between “private information” and “confidential information”.  

And I want to make that point too – because I’ve heard a lot about “my right to privacy” here in the states, which doesn’t really exist as we understand it.   At least, not in America.    To the readers in Canada, the European Union, the UK and elsewhere…I don’t know your laws, and I won’t comment on them.   (I will say I miss your accents.   God they were sexy.) 

So.   In the US.    You have a right to your confidential information remaining confidential, once given to another party that has entered into a confidentiality agreement.     Confidential information is medical information, banking information, genetically based information, governmentally generated information, and voting information.  (There are a few others I can’t remember, but you get the gist of it.)      Criminal records, sexual history, home address, property ownership, bankruptcy status, debt information (in certain states), sexual health (in certain other states), religion, income level, prior history of relationships?   Those things aren’t confidential information.   Those’re private information.  

You have a right to certain privacy protections in business dealings, health care, and dealings with your government (those are generally state mandated or state statutes, not constitutional law).   In practice (case law) you have some protections in regards to privacy disclosures, in certain circumstances.    These are mostly based on judicial interpretations of the 9^th, 5^th, 3^rd, and 4^th amendments.   Some states also contain verbiage in their statutes to ensure privacy protections and options for redress during certain transactions with public entities.   

That said.   None of those are an absolute “right to privacy”.    Feel free to consult your attorney.  I have.   At length.   The absolute right to privacy just ain’t a thing, folks.  

Oh, and one other thing?   Once you put it out there on your own?   Privacy protection?   Pretty much gone.    If you’ve put it up on Facebook, Myspace, Fetlife, or other forums (I’ll leave the argument of “public” vs. “closed” and “informed vs. accidental” to the courts), you’ve tossed aside a LOT of your privacy protections.     Maybe you’ll win the court case down the road.   (Especially if they used your private information for commercial gain.)   Maybe you won’t.  (You probably won’t.)     

Either way, you’ve voluntarily put that info out there on the internet.   Please bear that in mind.  

So.   Mini-rant over.   To the Real Topic.   Vetting, vs. Creeping.  

In one of my other posts, I jokingly said Cyber-Stalking can save your life.   I stand by the joke, because I think it’s as funny and whimsical now as I did then.    A joke isn’t a legal opinion.   It’s meant to be funny, not descriptive.  

We can agree that Cyber Stalking/Creeping and Vetting have a lot in common.   I definitely give that to everyone who emailed me, or posted counter posts on the topic.   That said - street racing and NASCAR have a lot in common too.   So do pit fights and MMA.   But the former are illegal, and the latter are rapidly growing sports.   It’s the intent and the structure that make the differences.  

The techniques of creeping  (such as asking questions and examining answers, following a person’s profile, browsing their posts, Googling a person’s username, talking to their friends and enemies) are nothing more than due diligence.   They’re the same techniques used by private investigators, law enforcement officers, and investigative journalists on a daily basis.    If you put it out there, they’re going to follow your “breadcrumbs” all the way back and put together a profile.   That’s not a violation of your privacy – it’s an intelligent use of the hunter/gatherer instinct.    

(Don’t like it?   Stop leaking information.   OPSEC isn’t just a word, it’s a mentality.  And good luck with that – I know very few modern people who can go ten minutes without posting to twitter or Facebook. )

Because my rants flow more smoothly in the bulleted/numbered format, here are a few notes on Creeping vs. Vetting.

1.   Consent.  

If you are vetting someone, 99 times out of 100, they know it.   If they were smart, they probably gave you a list of references to start from.   By approaching you about a relationship, they are consenting to you learning about them.   That’s part of the first stages of any relationship.    Vetting is doing that learning early on, and in depth.    It is the process of checking out claims, former relationships, reputations and their image; then comparing it to the facts.  

Creeping is following someone who never knows you’re there, and probably never will know.   Cyber-stalking is when the relationship is one-sided or in the mind of the stalker, alone.   You’re learning about them, but they aren’t learning about you (because they probably don’t know you’re there).  

2.   Motivation.   

If you are vetting someone, you are looking out for your own safety.   You are looking for warning signs that stand out like a toothless hillbilly screaming, “Run Bitch, run!”    Your motivation should be a feeling of caution.     

Creeping, your motivation is a sense of adoration and awe – and the need to “possess” the person.   Here’s an easy test – if you are saving pictures of them on your hard drive?   Reading and re-reading all of their posts with a bit of drool on your lips?   Giggling while you read their “witty quips”?   That’s creeping, not vetting.  

3.   Type of Information.  

If you’re vetting, you are filtering for information that will ensure safety, and verify truth.   Did he really attend M/s Conference 27 times?   Has he taught at an actual event, or was it his friends in someone’s basement?   Has a local elder seen him play safely before?    Have any previous partners mysteriously been diagnosed with STDs?     You are verifying claims – not gathering fan-girl info and printing out glossies of their Fet pics.    You are checking on previous relationships, not digging through trash for their credit score.   That’s vetting. 

If you are filtering for personal information that borders on the confidential, then it’s a different story.   Dick size, favorite sexual position, favorite fruit basket assortment, where his parents live, what kind of rope does he likes redheads to use on the full moon in November?   That’s creeping.   If you’re asking “What flavor oil will he like while I’m worshiping his magnificence?”    That’s Creeping.    (And very creepy creeping, too…everyone knows cinnamon is the proper flavor while worshiping my…err…never mind.) 

4.   Intent.    

Vetting and Creeping are polar opposites on the intent scale.   Vetting, the intent is to test the waters, while being ready to run.     Creeping, the intent is to feel closer to the person.   The former is a careful check of statements while slowly moving forward.   The latter will feel like you’re diving in, head over heels in glittery vampire love.    So ask yourself – why are you asking questions?    To be a safer person, or to become the “perfect” partner?   

5.   Outcome.  

Sadly enough, in our lifestyle, honest vetting often leads to running.   There are a LOT of predators in this lifestyle, and a lot of idiots.   If the outcome is you heading for the hills, it was vetting, not creeping.   If the outcome is you carefully entering a balanced relationship while your friends watch carefully, it’s vetting…not creeping.   If the outcome is you going on a date, after making your Safe Call and deciding he seems like a good guy…that’s vetting, not creeping.  

If the outcome is you glomming onto him anime-style with giggles and licks…it was probably creeping.    If you’ve dyed your hair, pierced things or bought an outfit “for him” when you aren’t in a long term relationship?  Creeping.    And if you have so many pictures of him that you know about his Monopoly shaped birthmark before the first date?   That’s definitely creeping.

I hope this has helped.    I hope my cynicism and sarcasm haven’t buried the (otherwise slightly) valuable information too deeply.   I’m not suggesting, for even a minute, that you install spyware in your professed beloved’s iPhone.   Nor do I think you need to talk to anyone’s grade school teachers (unless you’re a professional investigator – then go ahead).    But do your homework.   Ask questions.   Dig up what’s available.  

Because at the end of the day – the difference between a safe play date and a disaster is often something as simple as information.   That’s all I’m trying to get across – in this, and in the other posts on Vetting.    Know who you are playing with.   Know who they’ve played with before, and know what you’re getting yourself in for.   Information is just knowledge that we haven’t absorbed yet.   And knowledge is power.  

And as always, good luck with your journey,

Kenova Sir