And So I'm The Bad Guy: Outting Myself

And So I'm the Bad Guy:   Outting Myself

On being Kinky and Conservative     

So.    There are a few things you should know before you read this.

First.   I don’t apologize for who I am.   Though I will include nods to intelligently stated opposing points of view, and will (whenever possible) include fair and (as much as possible) unbiased versions of views opposite mine…I don’t apologize for being what I am, who I am, or for living by the choices I’ve made.

Does the above sound familiar?   It should.   It’s the battle cry of nearly every person who is “out” in this lifestyle.   It adorns profiles, echoes at pride events, and sells thousands of CafePress t-shirts.    What’s the old saying (that the generation after mine has co-opted and commercialized the hell out of…)?   Out, Loud, and Proud?

Okay.   So.  Here’s the part where I write another droll, repetitive version of “If you’re Kinky and you know it, clap your hands”, or “Onward, Kinky Soldier”, yes?   Ja wohl?   Because in our lifestyle, it’s all about accepting who people are, and accepting their life choices, and respecting the preferences of those who are different than you.   Right?    So now we get to the part where we all sing Kumbaya, yes? 

Nein, no, nyet.    Sorry, but you aren’t quite there yet – and we’re not going down that path.   This is a very specific wooded path I’m leading you down – follow along at your own risk.    This is the path less traveled, which has made all the difference.     So.   Moving on.  

Second.   I have come to this place in my life through a lot of hard times (read as, not even ramen for dinner), a lot of emotional and physical pain, and a lot of grief and loss.   Were you outed for who you are at your last job, and became a pariah because of it?   Did you lose an entire circle of friends over the life you live?   Have you struggled with deeply challenging spiritual issues, the death of family and mentors, or the loss of identity and career…but come out stronger and more sure of who you are?

So have I.     So while you read this, please have the courtesy to bear in mind that I have made that journey – even though it ended in a different place than you may expect.    After all, our lifestyle is about recognizing what Joseph Campbell called the “Hero’s Journey”, and the modern American take on it.   Our community is built on the idea that others don’t like us, so we try to be accepting of everyone in order to be different from the mocking, cynical, exclusion-oriented society that spurns us, yes?  

And now we get to the part that (most of) you aren’t going to like.   The rough right turn in the path.  

My identity statement.  

I’m Kinky.    I’m a male Dominant, a sadist, an occasional rigger, a sex furniture builder, a participant in the community, and an attendee of play parties and classes, right alongside you wonderful folks.   

I financially support civil rights events and educational events wherever I can afford to.   I raised my daughter and have taught my Girl to both be open minded, intelligently curious about others, and respectfully polite of those who are different.  

I’m a fetishist.   A kinkster and a naughty, naughty man.   My closet has skeins and skeins of rope, dozens of toys, pounds of batteries, liters of lube, and more than a few bits of leather.   I build molds for sex toys by hand, and I’ve found thousands of uses for duct tape that Home Depot never intended.    My basement has a prayer bench or two, whipping post, and some other fun bits of furniture.  

I’m also….Catholic.  Roman Catholic.   I go to Church every Sunday, and support my local catholic school.   Worse, I’m a fiscal Conservative.   I have a 401K and invest in my government pension, and I don’t believe in “progressive” class-based tax breaks.   And the worst of all…I’m a registered Republican.  

If after reading this, you feel a sudden urge to read elsewhere, roll your eyes, or tune out the rest of my rant – please do.   I’ve thought long and hard about these words, and come to realize that most in this lifestyle just won’t hear them.  

I’m writing, ranting really, about something I’ve noticed slowly growing in our lifestyle and the communities closely supporting it.   A creeping, encroaching hypocrisy that used to be the standard fodder of the young and rebelliously kinky…but is (with the current political climate) slowly becoming the norm even for the supposedly “mature” adults.

Take a second, and think about this honestly.   What words come to mind when you think “Democrat”, “Activist” or “Liberal”?    Are they words like “freedom”, “cultural sensitivity”, or perhaps “good guy”?

Now do the same with the following words.   “Catholic”.   “Republican”.   Or “Conservative”.    I bet you get a whole different mental image, don’t you?    Old white males in business suits.   Evil, lecherous priests molesting young boys.   Money-grubbing 1-percenters cackling in the backrooms of banks.

And if you’re honest…truly honest…you’ll realize that you’ve just come face to face with an unrealistic dichotomy.   Something so simplistically stated and emotionally tinted that it could be out of a TV series or a comic book.   Maybe, just maybe, you’ll even realize that your image of certain things has been influenced.   Affected.   Maybe even deliberately altered.

This isn’t a world of black and white.   So when someone waives the flag of “we’re good guys, and they’re evil and greedy”…why are we all so quick to side with the “good guys”?   Doesn’t that smack, just a little, of “simplification” for the sake of influence?   You know…”simplifying” and “translating” the story to make it “easier” for “the people” to understand?   You know…also known as “Lying”?  

The truth cuts both ways.  Both sides lie, and if you think the “good guys” aren’t coloring the truth…you weren’t being honest two paragraphs above.    The harder someone accuses the other side, the more you need to look at the accusations.   The more you hear one side painting the other as evil, greedy or manipulative…the more you need to look at how you’re being manipulated.   As a society, we buy into so many biased and slanted “fact checking” groups and “third party studies” that at this point we’ll buy anything that bashes the ones the media tell us are the “bad guys”. 

If you’re reading a news story without thinking critically about who is writing it, you’re not paying attention.   And if you’re getting a “simplified” version, or a version that’s “easy” to understand, then I will give you the Kenova-Guarantee that you are being lied to.

I write this because I am tired of being uncomfortable at munches when I hear yet another round of bashing.   I’m sick of keeping my voice down at events I financially support, because I’ll be the “bad guy”.   And I’m exhausted by wild panics about the evil republican conservative boogey-man coming for us all.

So.   There it is.   I’m the bad guy.   I’m the evil boogeyman.   I’m the horrible, conservative, religious nut job who brought you such evil tracts of devil-tainted literature as “10 things a Dominant needs from a submissive”, and “Vetting”, the piece on how to stay safe from predators in our lifestyle.  

I am a Catholic.  I’ve never touched a little boy.   Neither have my priests, or the priest who baptized and confirmed me.   Nor the nuns who helped teach me.    Out of tens of thousands of clergy, a few bad apples made the news – and were made into news.   Look at the news coverage of any other child molester case in comparison, and tell me that it wasn’t deliberately magnified.   We have thousands of sex offenders investigated and convicted yearly in my state alone – and the small handful of priests, who aren’t even convicted yet (what happened to innocent until proven guilty?) are daily front page news.  

Every year my Church feeds hundreds of thousands of the hungry in this country.   Every day my Church heals the ills of multitudes of those who cannot afford treatment elsewhere.   Every day my Church shows love to the weak and the helpless as best they (as flawed humans) can.    Please tell me, how did those actions disappear from the public scope, while the actions of a few criminally (and spiritually) wrong humans were used to define our Church? 

I am a Republican.   I am not white.   I am not wealthy.   I have never inherited wealth.   I will never inherit wealth.   My mother came from poverty and made a life for her children through a life spent serving this nation as a soldier.   My father made a life for us by spending a lifetime working for the government in thankless, but vital, positions.  

But I still vote Republican.   I agree that the government which governs best, governs least.   I agree that the idea of a court ordered medical insurance “safety net” is a bad one, and I believe that the ideas of the Republican party, while imperfect, are still a fresh hope for my family’s future.   I believe that many trends in current government spending are untenable at best, and vilely irresponsible at worst.  

I am a Conservative.   I believe that the government has no place in my bedroom – or yours.  I believe that churches have the right to define marriage as they please – even the ones who refuse to recognize gay marriage.    I believe that the government has no place in my (impending) marriage, either.   My Church recognizes it, my family recognizes it…the taxes can sort themselves out.   And I believe in an Actual Separation of Church and State, not a separation that only applies when either side wants it to.

And for that, I now admit…I am the Bad Guy. 

Please support your local grocery store while buying fresh produce to throw at me.   God knows, the economy could use it.

Good night.