Whatever happened to Innocent until proven guilty? (And getting uncomfortably personal for a minute...It'll pass, I hope.)

Whatever happened to Innocent until Proven Guilty?

(Some of my rants are a bit like going to war – you won’t all be here at the end.  This is one of those.)

In our lifestyle, I see a frightening trend.   I see it coming out of a good place, and (mostly) good hearts – but all I can think of is the adage about the road paved with good intentions.

I’m sure Joe McCarthy had good intentions too.

We live in a society (in the US) where we’re presumed innocent, until proven guilty.

Yes, that does mean that sometimes the guilty go free, or unpunished.   The system isn’t perfect.  And what of the victims?   And future victims?  Why do we let these criminals go free when we could keep them all locked up?   Because it’s better a dozen bad men go free than one innocent man languishing in prison.   That’s the whole point of the Innocence Project and Amnesty International.  

Aren’t those wrongly accused also victims?   If you’ve ever been in a prison, or seen the damage from false accusations – you’d already know.   Believe it or don’t – there really are two sides to every story, and not everything with a penis lies.   Misunderstandings, playing while drunk, buyer’s remorse – it all happens.  And pinning everything on the Top is utter bullshit. 

So what happened to innocent until proven guilty?   What happened to the presumption of innocence which the wise men who founded our nation believed to be so incredibly critical?   

It went out the door.   Worse, it wasn’t even lost – it was chucked out like a baby in the bathwater. 

I remember when naming someone publicly (putting scene info out to the vanilla world) was called “outing”.  Now it’s called “naming consent violators”, and it’s apparently okay.   Oh, how things change.

Some will say only 2% of accusations are false.   Not even close.  I take accusation depositions on a daily basis, and I work with other cops who do too.   An angry partner will swear out a statement for assault, domestic violence, injury or theft in a heartbeat.  Then not show in court later, when they’re calmer.

2% of false accusations from rape victims – that one is true.   Sorry, I’m not going to equate a “consent violation” to rape.  If you had any real respect for the rape victims – you wouldn’t either.

I’ll never say that there aren’t victims.   I will never say we shouldn’t help victims.  Even if the wounds are accidental.   They’re hurting.  They need healing.  They need the focus to be on their pain.

What we don’t need is to ruin a life without a defense.  That’s why we have professional investigators – because the presumption of guilt is easy.

I’m going to be personal here for a minute.   Feel free to skip over it. 

I was in an abusive relationship.  I’m not, and I refuse to be, a victim.   I’m a survivor.   A survivor with PTSD and an inch thick hospital file, but a survivor.  

I went through the last three years of the relationship accepting blame for it, because...well, I was the guy, after all, right?  It was my fault if she controlled all the finances and spent them all on fetish gear for herself.   It was my fault she kept a separate account for all her money, and only spent mine.  It was my fault she told her friends stories about how horrible I was to her - when I was never home.   Too busy working two full time jobs and raising the daughter myself.  It was my fault when I got hit because...well, you know.  I was the guy.  

Instead of help from domestic violence resources, I was told by their people and even their caseworkers that I should examine what of my own actions must cause her to do those things "in her defense" to me.  I went to one place with a scar on the back of my skull, and was told to "reflect" on what I must have done to deserve it.

Instead of help from my community, I was accused by my abuser.  She got her accusations in first, so my life just didn't matter to anyone anymore.  Others were told I was the villain by my abuser’s friends.  They leaked the accusations into my life – my job, my family, my friends.

The stories, and I call them that carefully, were spread.  Maybe they matched a little too well.   They fit the classic “abuser” a little too perfectly, even if they conflicted with police reports, alibis or hospital records.  No one questioned it.   No one wanted my side, or see all the times I was admitted to the ER - times I went alone, because no one else could be bothered to go with me.  No one questioned me – I was the evil male Dom, end of story.

But that wasn’t enough.  She filed the same story, non-kink tune, with the Department of Human Services to take my daughter away.  Police and DHS dropped everything within a week.  Why?  No evidence.  The only records were from suicide counseling, abuse survivor groups, and admissions into the ER.  My records.  Head injuries, broken fingers, glass shards in the eye and face.  Statements from co-workers of nights I slept in my office to hide from going home.

But too late – I was accused, and DHS took my daughter anyway.  It took two years to get her back.

I nearly lost my job.   I closed my Fetlife profile after learning that my abuser was teaching her followers her version of the story - that I was to blame for my own abuse.   No one ever asked me about it.   It was gospel because (and say it with me…) – it was made by someone who painted themselves the “victim”.  

The accusers had just lost a legal battle in the personal world when the “horrible” allegations suddenly came up.   To say she had personal motivation (aside from gas lighting, from refusing to accept her own role, from benefiting from victimhood status, and from using her “victimhood” to try and win a court battle”) was a sickening understatement.  Again, no one asked me – a “victim” accused me, that was it.  Didn’t matter – she claimed her “victim-hood” first.  And, say it with me..."I was the man".  

Back on track. 

What we don't need in our scene is to ruin lives.   Because it has happen.  I lived it, and nearly left the scene with a broken heart and bile in my throat because of it.  We can never know whose life is being ruined when we assume guilt.  And the assumption of guilt easily ruins lives - sometimes the wrong ones.

Do Tops and bottoms play while drunk?  It happens.  Bad idea, but it happens.  Is the top solely to blame for everything that happened??  Not in the real world.   A single drunk driver is as liable as two.   But in our lifestyle, only the Top has to answer for it.  

Our scene would rather presume guilt.  We’d rather have the secret pleasure of a witch hunt.

Do we vet our play partners?   Do we take accusations both sides, then use our judgement?   Do we avoid partners who just don’t feel right?  Who don’t have the history to back their claims?  Do we even TEACH new people to do it?   To do it Every.  Single.  Time?  

No.   Some part of us enjoys the circus of the accused too much – and we have more time to watch the circus than we do to avoid it in the first place.

So we talk about black lists.   We make our plans against the “bad guys”, without asking if they’re actually bad.   No defense allowed.

Old Joe McCarthy would be so proud of us all.   And if that doesn’t worry you – nothing will.