Your motherfucking Dominance and submission are not "Gifts".

Yep, I’m back.   And no “cool down” time on this one.   (You know it’s gonna be tart when I’m playing Marilyn Manson and KMFDM while I’m writing.)

“My submission is a gift!”  

Can we please stop this shit?   Please?    I mean come the fuck on…”my submission is a gift to be cherished”, “my Dominance is a gift to your womanliness”, “my sexuality is my offering to you”…

Fucking stop it.   Seriously.   You sound like a fucking twat, and a prissy one at that.   Or, if you want the modern version…. “You sound like a cunt.”  

And yes, I mean that to the men, too.  

Dominance and submission are nouns.   They are states of being.   They can be used to indicate roles in a relationship.   They can identify markers, attitudes, philosophies and personalities.   They are ultimately expressions of psyche, or sexuality.  

They are not – repeat NOT – fucking gifts.

A gift?   That’s something you give someone, without expectation of return. 

“Gift (noun): a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present.”

Buying a friend lunch because they’ve had a crappy day?    That’s a gift.

Giving your girlfriend a list of chores to do, up to and including “make me a sammich”?   That’s not a gift.   That’s just a really, really hilarious stereotype of D/s.   

Wrapping a Princess Merida dress under the Christmas tree for your 7 year old daughter?   That’s a gift.  (One my daughter is praying for.)  

Being the one in a relationship who gives your boyfriend the orders and sets the rules?    That’s not a gift.   That’s this new thing called “being in a power-structure relationship”.   

If you really think that giving yourself in an intimate way is a “gift” that should be “cherished” then you need to get a new fucking relationship.    Or your partner does.   And you need to stop watching Twilight, or One Life to Live, or whatever brain drain is your thing – and then take a nice long look at how you view relationships.  

Healthy relationships are bonds between two people.   They involve intimacy.   They involve sharing.   They involve set and comfortable roles.  They involve support.  They involve balance.   They involve partnership, giving and taking.  

They don’t involve melodramatic self-views that include defining consenting emotional relationships (or sexual acts) as “gifts”.   If you are at the point where you view playing with a partner, or being in a relationship with a person, as a “gift” to them?   You seriously need to grow up.      

Saying that your Dominance or submission is a gift is irritatingly dramatic.   That’s like saying that my girl is giving me the “gift” of being right handed.  Or I’m giving her the “gift” of being dark skinned.  

Right-handedness isn’t a gift – it’s (probably) a genetic trait developed by life experiences.  Having dark tanned skin isn’t a gift – it’s an expression of melanin from my tribe’s genetics.   And Dominance and submission aren’t gifts – they’re mindsets that develop during sexual growth, and express during intimacy.    They are nouns, not verbs. 

Now I just want to say this – because some fuck wit is going to go off on a long angry response to this post, either on the blog or on Fetlife, or by email, screaming that “Dominating my girlfriend is an action, so it’s still a gift!”, or “submitting my mouth to my boyfriend is a selfless act, and that makes it a gift!”.  

Dominance and submission are NOT Topping and bottoming.   I don’t care who wants to argue it – fuck off, eat some of the apples that snake over there is selling by the road side, and then get a dictionary.  Take a look at the grammatical use of a descriptive-state noun versus an acting verb or adverb.  

Topping, bottoming – those are scene specific verbs.   To Top.   To Bottom.    Dominance and submission – those are passive state descriptor nouns in their scene specific use.   To be Dominant.  To be submissive.  Please look it up.   PLEASE.   

There are those who will argue – they’ll play with the words.   “To Dominate and to Submit are VERBS!”, they’ll say.   “When I beat my girlfriend, I’m Dominating her!   That makes those words verbs!”  

Why yes, Virginia, they are.   Good puppy.   Have a sweetie, or a biscuit.   Mind you, don’t empty the tin – there are others to share with.   

To Dominate, and to submit, are the active state verbs which transform their originating nouns into actions.   When someone speaks of giving their “gift of submission” or their “gift of Dominance” to their partner – they aren’t using verbs.   They are using passive state nouns.  

(Heil Grammar.)  

Now follow me on this one.

The “act” of “dominating” a person?   Of forcing yourself on them, and making them submit?   It’s either a criminal act of violence – or it is an action of consensual scene specific sexual or pseudo sexual play.   Also known as…Topping. 

The “act” of “submitting” to a person?   Of letting them overpower you and use you sexually or physically?   It’s either a criminal act (if you get paid), or it’s an action of consensual scene specific sexual or pseudo sexual play.   Also known as….Bottoming.

So then, “My Topping you is a gift!”, you say?   

…dramatic sigh.

Topping and bottoming aren’t gifts either.    Go re-read the freaking rant.   Then let’s review.  

Jewelry given to a wife with no expected return?   That’s a gift.   It is an item of value, given for the other person to keep without implied repayment.   

Spreading  your ass cheeks for your Dominant partner?   That’s not a gift.   That’s a choice.   That’s a sexy choice – but it’s a choice.   Not a motherfucking “gift”.   You get something out of it.   So does he (or she).   It’s a shared sexual activity.   See how that works, Victoria? 

A new car for graduation, to congratulate your child on a Master’s degree?  That is a gift.   That’s a helluva gift.  

Beating a girl because it gets you off, raping her throat and then spitting your man-syrup all over her face and fun-bags?   That’s not a gift.   That’s a sexual act.   You get something out of it.  So does she.   It is, by very definition, not a fucking “gift”.  

Thank you.   Good night.